Just Say the Word
by JJLives
Summary: How did Santana truly feel after Brittany kissed her and revealed that she wanted her back? Brittana One-shot. 100th episode.


_Holy crap I seriously should have slept instead of writing this haha. But I can't complain I suppose, it was a conscious decision on my part._

_I wrote this to obviously explain further what Santana was feeling after the 100th episode part one. I loved every bit of the episode and I think I had a Brittana overdose. Seriously. _

_So Spoilers obviously. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. (just realized none of my stories have a disclaimer. Will remedy that in a few hours when I wake up though, haha)_

* * *

It wasn't _fair_. How could she think that what she was doing was okay in any rights? I have a girlfriend. I've moved on. I have a life completely separate from her now. Have I missed her? Yes. Has it felt great to see her again after so long? Of course. But we were and continue to be best friends, no matter the distance that separates us. It will always feel natural to be in her presence, to be near her, to talk to and hold her. That will never change.

What has changed is that she is no longer mine to hold for any longer than a quick hug, or to kiss, or to be intimate with. And I'm no longer hers to do those things with either.

As much as I hated the thought of coming back to McKinley I'd been anxious and slightly excited. I hadn't seen Brittany in months and when I learned she was attending it gave me the extra push I needed to make up my mind if I should go or not. Everything had been going so great. Besides Rachel's holier-than-thou attitude I was actually enjoying being back. It was easier slipping back into old friendships than I ever thought possible. I'd been slightly worried that New York, or Yale, or MIT, or the Army had changed us too much. But it felt good, natural and just easy. It felt like old times.

But my carefree attitude changed with one thirty second conversation with her. I hated seeing her so unhappy. It was unnatural. I was trying to get through to her, to make her see that MIT was brainwashing her and making her into someone she didn't want to be. I said it once and I'll say it again, Brittany is everything that is good in this miserable, stinking world and if the idiots at MIT can't see that, if they want to change that then they don't deserve her. She doesn't owe them anything.

But I thought she'd moved on. I thought she was over me, over us. She'd moved on with Trouty Mouth fast enough. And I thought I was over her. But how could I be over her and feel the things I felt when she kissed me. How can I say I'm over her when my heart nearly jumped out of my chest at her words.

She picked up our friendship exactly where it left off before she'd kissed me and told me she'd be mine the second I asked. It confused me even more. I was so comfortable with her earlier, but after that short interaction I was more aware of her. She stood near me in the auditorium when Mr. Schue gathered us all around to pay our respects to Finn and the old, fat lady that somehow played an important part in Glee; I never actually paid attention when someone explained who she was. But having Brittany stand to close to me not half an hour after our interaction was too much. I was hyper-aware of her body heat, but she just seemed unaffected. To her we were the same as we were the day before or an hour ago. But how could she be so comfortable shifting back into friendship when I was so confused and agitated?

I followed as the group left the auditorium to spend some more bonding time in the choir room. I sat, like I used to, in the back row and watched as Brittany made her rounds to her old friends. I listened as she told stories of her time at MIT. I watched as she interacted with everyone. Switching off and on with each person. She was really friends with everyone. I had so few friends, but she had so many. It's funny when I think about it. Being head cheerleader was almost enough to guarantee someone as many friends as they chose, and yet I didn't have many. I hadn't needed many. I had Brittany.

She approached Sam last. It was the first time I'd seen them interact since everyone came back. They very well could have met up for coffee sometime alone to catch up, but for some reason I didn't think they had. She smiled like she did with everyone else and wrapped her arms around him. I watched as she laughed at something he said and my heart thumped painfully. They moved to sit in the chairs at the end of the row to talk and I could only hear snippets of their conversation. From what I could gather I assumed they were talking about the same things Brittany told the others. She was good, enjoying her genius. She was given her own dorm room on campus and her teachers didn't mind if she showed up to class in her pajamas. Random facts people shared after being apart for so long.

I realized that she'd never mentioned these things to me. She was so willing to open up and tell all these others about her time away but she hadn't told me any of them. I watched her laugh and smile at something else Sam said and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sit here and pretend that Brittany hadn't just kissed me and said she wanted me back and then see her with Sam. I just couldn't.

I stood up and walked out of the room. No one stopped me of course. I'm actually quite sure no one even noticed my departure.

I made my way back to the auditorium to think. It was the only place I knew of that would be empty in this school. The Glee kids were the only ones who used it and they were all preoccupied reminiscing and making new memories in another room on the other side of the building.

All I could think of was Brittany. Her words repeated in my head, almost painfully. 'It's your choice. If you want me I'm here.' I began to pace back and forth along the stage. How could she say that? After everything we've been through, how can she say those things to me. 'You can't recreate what you and I have.' Of course I couldn't. No one was like Brittany. No one understood me like Brittany did. No one could ever take Brittany's place. We'd been friends for longer than I could even remember and that kind of history, that kind of loyalty, couldn't be replaced.

Dani was great. She was everything I could want in a girlfriend. She was funny and beautiful. She accepted me for who I am. She was smart and musical and strong and kind. She was _great_. Great, but she wasn't Brittany.

It wasn't fair. How could she keep doing this to me?

"Why'd you leave?"

I spun around at her soft voice, wondering how I hadn't heard her come in the room. I just stared as all these emotions swarmed me. Happiness, anxiety, anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, and love. After everything there was still love. And I hated myself even more when I realized that emotion was by far the strongest of them all.

"I was feeling sick." I choked out and her expression turned worried immediately.

"Are you alright? Do you want me to take you home?" She asked me as she stepped forward.

"I'm not_ sick_. I said I was _feeling_ sick." She did that adorable thing with her nose and her eyes crossed slightly so I knew she was confused. "I'm nauseated because of how easy it was for you to just fall back into your old ways."

"I don't-"

"Sam." I stated, spitting the name out like it was poisonous to my tongue. "Didn't take you long to move back to him did it?"

"What are you talking about?" Her voice rose in pitch. "I was just catching up." She took another step forward as her voice dropped. "He's a friend."

"He was once more than that." I reminded. "Not too long ago in fact."

"Is that what this is about?" I didn't answer, but crossed my arms instead. "I don't want Sam. I only want you. I told you that." She sighed. "You only have to tell me you want me too and I'm yours. Everyone else doesn't matter." She waved in the direction she thought the choir room was, which was wrong. "They're just friends." She smiled and made her way towards me now. She wasn't understanding. This wasn't me telling her I wanted her, this was far from it.

"No." I took a step back and rose my hand, palm out, to stop her approach. She tilted her head but was still smiling. She thought this was a game, that I was playing hard to get. "It's not fair!" I yelled at her.

It wiped the smile from her face and she stood up straight and really looked at me. For the first time since she entered the room she really, truly looked at me. I hated how she could always read me so well, how she seemed to look into me like I was so transparent. The only thing I gave her credit for was she was the only person who never looked through me, she never thought I was unimportant.

"What's not fair?"

"You. This." I motioned between us with my hands. "You come here after not seeing me in months and you tell me you want me. You tell me you'll be mine and all I have to do is say yes."

She nods her head enthusiastically, smiling. "Just say the word."

"No." Her smile fades again. "I have a girlfriend. A real live, caring, beautiful, amazing girlfriend. And you are standing there asking me to leave her."

"I told you, what we have-"

"It doesn't matter!" I yell again. I can feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes.

"Of course it matters." She seems hurt and for the first time I'm not affected by her sad puppy dog eyes.

"No, it doesn't. And do you know why?" She shakes her head. "Because we ended a long time ago Brittany. _You_ chose that, not me."

"_You_ broke up with _me_!" It's as close to yelling as she's ever been.

"And you had no problems moving on did you?" I counter. "You didn't have old Guppy Lips right there on standby to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart. You might have mended pretty quickly but I didn't. It took me months and months to get over you. It took more pain than I thought was even possible to get you out of my head for even a minute." I was crying now. I could feel the hot wet tracks of the tears as they traveled to my chin.

"If that's how you felt then why did you break things off? If you wanted me so much, if you couldn't stop thinking about me or us, than why did you do it?"

"Because of you." It seemed to throw her for a second. "I broke up with you because you were so sad and broken and you weren't... You weren't Brittany. You said I left you behind. You said I didn't know what it felt like to be left. And I knew..." I paused to wipe some of the water from my eyes. "I knew if we stayed having a long distance relationship it would get worse. I couldn't stand the thought of you alone, of you sad, or hurting. For the first time I was the cause of your pain and it nearly destroyed me that night when you said that that asian girl with the glasses, cowering on the floor at Breadstix, was how you felt when I left. Do you have any idea, any at all, how shitty that made me feel?" Her mouth opened and closed without a sound. "I broke it off because without me, without you waiting for my texts or skype calls or visits you would be able to have fun. If you stopped thinking about me then maybe you would stop feeling left and make new friends." I laughed bitterly. "But I never thought you would move on so fast. I never, in a million years, thought you could replace me so easily."

"That's not what that was. Sam was not a replacement for you."

"Then what was he? Huh? Tell me what he offered you that made you so willing to move on." She stayed silent.

"It's not fair Brittany." I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes and forced the rest back. I was done crying. "Years ago I asked you to be mine. I told you I loved you and asked you to be with me. I_ begged_ you. And you said it wouldn't be fair to Artie." My voice was raw and it broke in several spots but my anger allowed me to continue. "Then after I realized I couldn't live without you, after I realized that being in college was more of a prison than being in the closet ever was, when I couldn't see your face at least once a week through Skype, I decided to drop out. I couldn't go a week without you Brittany. I figured if the long distance thing was the reason that you were in pain then I decided I would take that out of the equation. And after I came back, telling you I was here for good, telling you I was here for you, I asked again, right here." I stomped my foot on the spot I was standing. "I asked you to be mine once more and you used that same fucking excuse. You were with someone else." I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. "So you know what? Now it's my turn. I have someone who cares about me. Someone I care about and I can't leave them because you suddenly decide that you want me now that you're single. I can't leave her because you had a good time these last few days and figure you want me back on some reminiscent whim. And even if I did say yes, what happens when you go back to MIT and I go to New York? You'd be miserable again and I'd not be able to stop thinking about you and in the mean time I'd have to see my ex almost everyday at work." I shake my head. "It won't work and it's bullshit that you even put it on the table. It's not fair to ask me to do something for you that you never were willing to do for me."

I turned and quickly made my way to the exit out the backstage door. My heart felt like it was ripping into tiny pieces but I forced my legs to keep moving. My head knew I did the right thing; she'd done the same to me multiple times. She'd soon move on with someone else. Brittany never had a problem with falling in and out of love before, this time wouldn't be any different.

I ended up going home, not wanting to go back to the choir room. Quinn might have been okay company if her and Puck hadn't recently decided to rekindle their little forbidden love thing they had going on. Besides there was no way I could face Brittany again if she ended up going back there. Even worse would be me seeing Trouty's face. I didn't trust myself not to go all Lima Heights on him. I went home because it was the safest place in Lima for me to be.

All night I debated taking the next flight back to New York, back to Dani. I thought of her and I smiled thinking of her soft voice or her hair colour of the week. That girl changed her hair like I changed my shoes. It was kind of endearing after you got used to it. But when my mind thought of Brittany, which it often did multiple times an hour, my heart jumped and my breath caught in my throat. Dani was beautiful, anyone would agree, but Brittany was absolutely gorgeous. She'd always been able to take my breath away. But it wasn't their differing beauty levels that had my body reacting. It was, like Brittany said, 'You can't recreate what you and I have.'

I don't think anyone could ever pull the same reactions out of me as Brittany. All I could hope for was trying to get as close to it as possible. Dani and I have known each other less than a year. I've known Brittany for close to fifteen. It was going to take time.

I decided, with some guidance of Kurt, to not take 'the coward's way out' in his words. I would stay and enjoy the last week the Glee club was alive. After I would have all the time I needed to try and forget these complicated feelings for Brittany. I wanted to be her friend but I didn't trust myself to be in the same room as her when I knew she was just waiting for me to say yes to her.

Which is why I was so surprised to see her instead of Kurt in the choir room early the next day. He talked me out of leaving via text the night before but wouldn't stop pestering me, even going as far as to call me numerous times even though I kept ignoring, until I agreed to tell him everything in person the next morning. We figured getting to school early would guarantee us the much needed privacy for such a talk.

But as I opened the door all I could see was Brittany. My eyes always gravitated towards her in a room. She was sitting at the piano and the next thing I saw were the multiple lilies surrounding her. They covered the piano and were set up on either side leading up to her.

"Are these all lilies?" I asked, still confused as to why Brittany was here and where the hell Kurt was. I was starting to think I was set up.

"They're the lesbian flowers." She smiled, twisting a flower she was holding. They were beautiful of course. And Brittany looked angelic surrounded by the white glow of them.

"Where's Kurt?"

"Not coming." She looked down, knowing how much I hated being set up. I should have known that boy-girl couldn't leave well enough alone.

"I said all I have to say to you." I stood rooted in my spot, not wanting to be chased away but feeling really awkward standing amongst her and the flowers.

"But I didn't say everything I needed to." She stood up and placed the flower on the bench, gently behind her. "You asked me yesterday what Sam was to me."

"I really don't want to hear this."

"But you're going to."

"No-"

"Distraction." She stated simply, looking into my eyes. "He was a distraction so that I would stop thinking about you." I heard her voice crack and without my anger this time her pain broke my heart. "He was everything you weren't so it was easier to not be reminded of you in this stupid room." She motioned to the room around us with both arms. "This room where you sang all those songs for me. Where we finally got to be together. Where you gained the courage to tell me you loved me." She was crying now. "I learned to care for Sam, yes. But not once did he ever mean as much to me as you did. No one ever has, nor will they ever. You're it for me Santana."

"If I was it. Then why did you refuse to leave him?"

"I wanted to. And I would have if-"

"If what? What else could I have done to prove myself to you?"

"Nothing." She said quietly, taking another step closer to me.

"Then why?" I didn't want to argue with her again. I hadn't been prepared for another emotional run in with her, and I was going to kill Kurt the next time I saw him. A hand in warm water was going to be the least of his worries once we got back to the loft. I would have plenty of time and numerous ways at getting back at him.

"Because of you." She purposefully used the same words as I had the day before. I could see it in her eyes. She turned away and wiped the tears away as best she could before facing me again, a little more composed. "What do you think would have happened if I'd done what you said? What would have been different in our lives if I had dumped Sam when you asked?"

"We'd be together." I stated simply, quietly.

"In Lima?" She asked.

"Of course."

"Exactly." She nodded at her own statement, solidifying it, but all I could do was stare at her blankly. That didn't mean or prove anything that either of us didn't already know. "You would have taken the job coaching the Cheerios. I would have never graduated and eventually would have dropped out and either opened a dance studio here or worked part-time in one. I'd help you choreograph Cheerios routines and we'd win trophy after trophy."

"You say it like that's a bad thing. And you would have graduated Britt."

"No I wouldn't have. The only reason I graduated was because I needed out of Lima. I used that to push myself to getting my grades up." She bit her bottom lip debating something. "And that life sounds good on paper, but you would have hated that job. You would have had to deal with all the drama of highschool for the rest of your life. I knew how much you wanted to get far away from that. You would have hated your job and eventually would have blamed me for keeping you here."

"I would never-"

"You didn't, you don't belong here!" Brittany interrupted again, raising her voice. "You belonged in LA or New York. That's where you needed to go, and you weren't going to get there by staying with me in Lima."

"So what? You stayed with Sam to chase me halfway across the country?"

"Yes." Her reply was so simple, so Brittany.

We stood observing each other for the next several minutes. I thought over everything she just said and thought back to the day she was talking about. She was right of course. I didn't belong in Lima, I never did. It would have affected me staying here, but I am positive living without Brittany affected more in me than staying in Lima ever could have accomplished.

"If you pushed me away then why want me back now?"

"I never didn't want you Santana." She let out a breath she must have been holding and ran a hand through her hair before looking back up to meet my eyes. "I worked my ass off to get out of Lima. I didn't care where I was, Lima or on the moon. I could be happy anywhere really."

"You just said you wanted out of here. Why? You seemed so happy to stay with the Glee club one more year."

"I worked so hard to get my grades up so that I could go to a college. I needed a way out of here." There was silence for a few moments as I assumed she was letting me digest the words she was saying. She was deliberately avoiding my question. "I accepted MIT, knowing full well I was going to be an experiment for them like those aliens you told me about in Rosewall that one time."

"Roswell." I corrected.

"Yeah. I kind of felt like an alien and even debated the possibilities of me being one."

"If you knew all this than why accept? You must have known you'd be unhappy."

"MIT was closer than Lima was."

"Closer to where? Where are you trying to get to?"

"I thought that was obvious." She smiled at me and I had a feeling I knew, but I needed her to say it. "To you Santana." She closed the remaining distance between us so that there were only inches separating us.

"Did you plan that all? How long have you been thinking about this?"

"Since the moment you asked me to be yours again. Like I said, Sam was just a distraction. You were always my end plan." She reached her one hand up to cup my cheek. Her touch sent pleasant chills down my spine and the skin she contacted tingled. "I just needed to know there was hope for us. And then I needed to get you where you belonged so I could follow."

My heart literally just skipped a beat.

"Getting to a college near New York pushed me to graduate. I don't think I would have it I didn't have the ambition to get to you. I agreed to MIT because it was once step closer." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and brought her other hand to rest on my other cheek. I couldn't stop myself from closing my eyes and pressing into her palm wanting more contact.

My eyes opened when her thumb brushed lightly over my lips.

"Just say the word Santana."

My mind didn't go blank. I didn't make a rash decision. I didn't lean forward to kiss her withouth thought only to regret it later. My mind was working faster than it ever had before. Dani was considered, but that was never a valid excuse in my mind. I'd used it in a bitter attempt to hurt Brittany the day before. I'd never had a problem with blowing someone off for Brittany. She was the one that cared about others feelings, that wasn't me. I cared for Dani, but when it came to Brittany, she was right, nothing could compare.

But if I was to accept Brittany back into my life full time, it needed to be full time. I couldn't deal with seeing her only once a week on a computer screen and in person maybe once or twice a month. I know it may make me a horrible person, but I would leave Dani for her. After hearing what she just said and knowing that the last six months or more were spent, on her part, trying to get back to me was an eye opener. I threw myself into working in New York to forget about her, and a part of me knew that Dani was just as much a distraction as Brittany said Sam was for her. I do care about Dani, probably the same way Brittany cared for Trouty Mouth, but I wasn't in love with her. I don't think I could ever love her or anyone the way I love Brittany.

"I can't do long distance." I whispered, leaning forward to connect our foreheads. I saw her lips lift into a smile and realized I'd basically given her the answer she needed.

"You won't have to." She rubbed her nose against mine and giggles softly. God how I'd missed that sound.

"But-"

"You said it yourself. I'm not happy at MIT. I needed to try, to see if I could do it. I can. I'm actually a genius." She giggled again. "You were right." She stepped forward so our bodies connected and I sighed as I relaxed against her. "I'll move to New York."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"You didn't. I told you it was just a step in the New York direction anyway." She started rocking both of us side to side like she used to when she was trying to cheer me up or convince me of something or telling one of her stories. It warmed my heart. "Just say the word." She said once more, our bodies moving and foreheads still connected.

"Yes." Like I said, I didn't decide on a whim. We could do this and I came to realize, in her arms like this, that I would regret more wondering what would've happened with Brittany than I would wonder what would've happen with Dani.

She squealed and jumped from foot to foot without disconnecting our bodies in any way and then her lips were on mine. This time I didn't hesitate to kiss her back. This time I showed her exactly how much I'd missed her.

When we parted there were tears running down both our cheeks and we both laughed as we began wiping each others faces. I leaned forward to connect our lips once more in a brief kiss. I pulled back further and Brittany grabbed my hands in hers and swung them between us. I smiled at her and saw the brightness in her eyes that'd been missing the entire time she'd been in Lima so far this week.

And I swore to do what ever it took to make this work. I swore I would do anything to keep that look in her eyes, and I swore to never, ever let her go again.


End file.
